"...knowing the womb is the center of our creativity, it's hard to think that energy is only for birthing a child, only. Wait. The womb can be the holding and birthing place for a mission, passion, dream, right?!"
That season was a heavy one. I think anytime that we can't see clearly, we can easily become consumed by doubt and darkness. We pour ourselves over scripture looking for clues. We lay prostrate under the sky as a sign of our desire to hear God clearly. We fast and we pray. Still, sometimes, there is silence. Or maybe crickets. The sound that nothing is coming and that this will be a long waiting period (like labor, perhaps?).
But when our "biological clock" is ticking, patience is an unheard of attribute. And the more impatient we are and the less rational we become, the more we "blame" and question God.
We ponder, "Isn't this something God wants me to have clarity about? Surely, He/She doesn't want me to walk around here aimless!" Even if it's not about being a parent, I imagine you've shared these sentiments at some point, with something. I think questions like these are posted in neon color on some of the roadblocks we encounter on our journey.
Thankfully, at those roadblocks are also friends waiting with a glass of water. I remember talking to one of mine about my desire for clarity on motherhood. I was confused and frustrated mostly by what seemed to be God's lack of concern about my situation. I was jumping up and down trying to get God's attention (and answer) and, out of breath, I simply said to my friend, "Where is God in all of this?"
Her answer surprised me, and I can still her the calmness and smile in her voice when she said, matter-of-factly, "God is right there. Right in your ovaries."
I had to sit with her words and find out what they meant to me in my time of discernment. An answer didn't come out of the sky about if and when I would become a Mom, but I embraced, on a fuller level that it is God who created my body -- biological clock and all -- and beautifully so. And just as there are seasons externally there are seasons internally. There's no judgment to that. It's just the way it is. It's a part of God's masterful design.
The truth is, there is a little piece of God in each of us -- wombs included -- whether we have children or not; whether we have wanted children or not; planned to have children or not. Knowing the womb is the center of our creativity, it's hard to think that powerful, creative energy is only for birthing a child.
Wait. The womb is also the holding and birthing place for a mission, passion, dream, right?! Nothing replaces a heartbeat and the love between a child and a parent, but there is also more ways to look at God's creativity.
We will never know or understand all the answers to our life questions, but when we surrender knowing that God loves us and wants to give us the Kingdom, then we can truly say, "not my will but your will," without attachment. That's having faith -- trusting God when you don't have what you want or think you want.
I may not experience a Mother's Day as someone's mother but I am thankful to know on this Mother's Day how deeply God loves me, even down to my ovaries and beyond. I'm also thankful for my own mother who loves me deeply, and for all the sisterly love I receive from so many on the path that gives me wind for my wings. We are called to love like mothers even if we do not have children -- to fully embrace and protect that which has been give to us be it our creativity, the planet, other's children...
The journey continues. The Love of God is our guide.